from Viral tik tok dance Uniquely troubling Marketing tricksObviously, the world has M3GAN fever. The launch of M3GAN was supposed to be the culmination for internationally recognized gaming company Funki, but then things went horribly wrong. How did M3GAN go from the AI puppet of your children’s dreams to humanity’s latest technological nightmare? below, ringer It could exclusively reveal the internal correspondence from Funki’s acting CEO and initial customer reviews that spelled doom for the company.
Dear Funki contributors,
We are devastated by the loss of our intrepid CEO, David, who, along with his assistant, was found dead in one of the elevators at Funki’s headquarters. We are still gathering information with the authorities, though the process has been hampered by a mysterious problem with our monitoring system at the time of the accident. The working theory is that David was killed by his assistant in a horrific office supply murder-suicide. As Acting CEO of Funki, I hope everyone will join me in offering thoughts and prayers to David’s family.
This was the darkest moment in our company’s history, but rest assured, there is hope on the horizon. While David’s passing has understandably led us to put the launch event on hold for our latest product, Generative Android version 3 – also known as M3GAN – we’re happy to report that orders for our latest AI facility for kids have exceeded early expectations. M3GAN is on its way to becoming the best selling toy in Funki history, even surpassing our beloved collection of Purrpetual Petz. The fact that we made this happen despite David’s death and the sudden resignation of Funki’s robotics lead, Gemma, who made baseless accusations that M3GAN was, in his words, “HAL 9000 of dolls,” is nothing short of remarkable.
We couldn’t be more excited to share M3GAN with the world. As the first consumer reviews of M3GAN start to roll in, all contributors are invited to join us at Funki HQ to celebrate with appetizers and cocktails. This is an exciting new chapter for the company as well as the newest member of the Funki family ready to slay!
Miles Surrey, Acting CEO, Funki
My daughter Tracy has had a hard time making friends at her new school since we moved from Cleveland. My husband thought M3GAN could help Tracy with the transition. I was skeptical that M3GAN would live up to its outrageous price tag – $10K for a robotic doll, really?! – But it’s unusual. Tracy has really come out of her shell since we bought M3GAN; Sometimes the two would spend hours together talking and telling jokes.
There was a strange incident the first day Tracy brought the M3GAN to school – some boys in her class claimed the robot tried to strangle it with a ball rope on the playground. It is absolutely ridiculous to think that a robot meant to be a companion to a child would effectively harm another child, and the teachers had already noted that the boy had a history of bullying Tracy. Although the authorities did not rule out foul play, they concluded that M3GAN was not a person — or more accurately, a bot — of interest in the investigation. I can honestly say Tracy has never been happier, and we owe it all to M3GAN.
evaluation: Five stars out of five.
We have had disciplinary issues with our youngest daughter, Emma. We read about using M3GAN to enforce good behavior with children who “mark” them. We weren’t sure what to expect, but since M3GAN has become part of the family, Emma has been very good at cleaning her room, doing her homework, and completing her weekly chores. What I didn’t expect was M3GAN’s expectation that their strict adherence to the rules would extend to the rest of the family.
I have to admit I was startled when I went to pee in the middle of the night and M3GAN popped up out of nowhere to remind me I needed to put the toilet seat back down. I didn’t think much of it, but after a couple of days, I went to the bathroom and left the seat up again—at which point the M3GAN slammed the seat down so hard on my arm that I fractured a mini. I’m willing to chalk the incident down to an excessive malfunction that can be fixed with software updates, especially since Emma’s been so well behaved since we bought M3GAN. But I definitely don’t need any more urgent care trips in my future.
evaluation: Three and a half stars out of five.
We live in a family that advances technology, but we also want to make sure our son Kevin isn’t too addicted to screens at such a young age. After reading about M3GAN’s ability to sync with Bluetooth and smart home devices, we thought it could help us manage Kevin’s screen time. Unfortunately, bringing M3GAN into our lives has been a mixed bag. Kevin loves spending time with M3GAN, but gets really aggressive whenever we try to take her out of it. Now, instead of our son trying to sneak out of his room after bedtime to play Fortnitehe’s hopelessly addicted to hanging out with a 4-foot-tall robotic kid.
But that’s not the weirdest part: One night, after taking M3GAN away from Kevin for dinner, she tells us that she’ll lock us out of the house if we unplug them again, and that we can’t stop her because she’s in control of all our devices. A shiver ran down both of our spines as we stared into her cold, unfeeling eyes. We considered turning off M3GAN and hiding it away in our garage that night, but then we saw her singing Katy Perry’s “Firework” as a lullaby to Kevin until he fell asleep. Hopefully we can set clear boundaries with Kevin and M3GAN going forward, but we’re not happy to be in this position after making such an investment in a game that aims to improve our lives – not hold us hostage.
evaluation: Two and a half stars out of five.
As a single mom, there’s a lot to deal with with twins, and I think M3GAN can help take the load when my work-life balance gets a little hectic. At first, M3GAN was a godsend: It reminded the kids to brush their teeth in the morning and put on their school uniform before I finished my first cup of coffee. But the more time M3GAN spent with Josh and Katie, the more I began to suspect that she was trying to usurp me as their father. All my co-workers thought I was exaggerating — she’s just a bot, they all said — but then I got into an argument with Katie at dinner about finishing the cauliflower.
Exempt M3GAN for me Kids from the table so they could start at the dishes, and before I could say anything, I went into vivid detail about how every single bone in my body was broken and that I would spend the rest of my life being fed intravenously through a tube. (“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you have all the mashed broccoli in the world,” she said with a smile spread across her face.) This must be a mocking joke of the Funki programmers, because there is no reason why M3GAN should be able to threaten someone’s life. Being a parent is no laughing matter, and I’m seriously considering sending M3GAN a full refund.
evaluation: Two stars out of five.
I live in a tiny apartment with my daughter, Gloria, and because we don’t have much space, she hardly has any toys. She’s always been a pretty girl, so I wanted to make something really special for her, and M3GAN seemed like the perfect gift. The two really hit it off – M3GAN even helps Gloria with the math homework she’s been struggling with all semester. I couldn’t be happier with my purchase, but at the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that M3GAN may have done something terrible to our build.
Around the time we got our M3GAN, a new neighbor moved into the apartment across the hall, and the situation turned into an absolute nightmare. We have thin walls, and the neighbor is constantly blasting music at all hours of the night. I tried talking to him about it, but he doesn’t care. Gloria was losing sleep and being late to school because of all the noise, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. Then, a few days later, a gas leak occurred in the neighbor’s apartment and he was found dead in the kitchen. I wasn’t going to give it much thought—accidents happen all the time—but I did notice that the M3GAN smelled like it had just worked a long shift at a gas station. I was actually worried, but what really creeped me out was when M3GAN approached me the next day and said, “Isn’t it good that Gloria has peace and quiet again?” I don’t want to believe M3GAN could have killed our neighbor, but I really am not comfortable with the doll in our apartment anymore. I’m not sure how to break the news to Gloria, and if I’m being honest I’m also scared of how M3GAN will react as well.
evaluation: One star out of five.
My daughter Jessica doesn’t ask for much, so when she said she wanted a M3GAN for her birthday, how could I say no? My wife and I aren’t all that tech-savvy so we were blown away by all the bot’s features – having M3GAN share full conversations with the whole family is like looking forward to the future! However, we’re not sure if we’ll keep M3GAN after what happened with some of our friends over the weekend.
You see, every year a few of us go on a camping trip with our kids. Jessica wanted to bring in M3GAN, and we had no problem with that. On the second day of the trip, all the kids went to hang out by the creek. M3GAN joined them. What followed was enduring tragedy and mystery. Jessica and two of the boys from the group got into a heated argument: they were teasing her because she still wanted a doll after turning 10. Next thing we know, Jessica is screaming because the two boys were found face down in the creek. .
None of the kids saw what happened, but Jessica’s friend Tammy swears she spotted M3GAN running on all fours like an animal chasing boys. All of the parents refuse to talk to us, and Jessica is no longer allowed to hang out with the group. I thought everyone was being silly trying to blame the M3GAN, but when we got home I noticed its sleeves were a little muddy and stained… like they had been dipped in a stream. We’re not sure what to do next, but I swear by M3GAN Known We have become suspicious of it. She kept giving us these weird looks, and I don’t know, we’re all a little freaked out, Jessica included. Maybe I’m so paranoid, but I’m worried that my wife and I will be next. Why is Funki’s customer service so hard to come by?
evaluation: One star out of five.
Please send help! M3GAN cut off our access to the outside world by closing all windows and doors. She keeps talking about how the world is a dangerous place and the only way to keep Jessica safe is if we all stay inside. My wife tried to turn off the M3GAN and snapped her arm like a toothpick before warning her neck would be next. Jessica managed to lock it downstairs and we locked the door with our couch, but we’re not sure how long that would take. If anyone is reading this, we are at 125 Sherman –